he shaved USA in his pubs
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
