Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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