why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
