It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize