The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
