Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
