As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
