Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
