so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
