roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
