he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize