my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize