WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
