Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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