I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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