Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
