Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
