the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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