I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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