'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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