Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
