I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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