then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
