It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
