Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
