The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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