I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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