I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Vodka?
Forever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
