I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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