i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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