He had one of those small greek statue penises
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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