I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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