I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
