meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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