I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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