So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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