Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
