Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize