I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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