just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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