went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
