i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
love makes seman taste better
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
