if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
