I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
