toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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