i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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