how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
