if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
