I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
