just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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