so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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