At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
