You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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