Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
