I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
