if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
