I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
