Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
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