rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
