seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
