haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
