after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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