Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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